FALLing asleep by the fire

Cassie has always loved making a bed in a laundry basket. I've got photos of her throughout the years all camped out in different laundry baskets. She still asks me every night if I'll let her sleep in a basket all night. We built our first fire of the fall season and the first thing she did was bring down a basket with pillows, snuggly (her blanket) and Meekins the lamb. I went up stairs to take a bath and when I returned I found her sleeping. It was a heart breakingly beautiful site.

Signs from the Universe or superstitious crap?

I was at the book store the other day with my family. I let the younger girls go to the children's section under strict instructions they weren't to leave that carpeted area. I wandered around looking at computer books on html and art photography. I decided I should go check on the girls and as I passed by the self help section a book fell off the shelf. There was no one in the isle so I stopped. I had always been of the mind that the Universe speaks to us in many ways, with signs, some not so subtle. I considered that I was being led to read a book I might not have otherwise noticed. Then I hesitated and looked toward the children's section. I really should be checking on them, I thought. I started to walk away and then, wracked with guilt, turned back. 'What if someone picks up the book and I never know the message I was being sent?' I had a fear that I would be punnished for ignoring the divine message. And then more guilt that I wasn't checking on my girls. So walked down the isle intending to pick the book up and take it with me to check on the kids. When I got there I almost laughed hysterically. I was experiencing a little momentary anxiety over wanting to pass that book up and not wanting to 'miss out' on a message. Look what I found! Anxiety Disorders and Phobias. Wow. Now who says the universe doesn't speak out? It does, and often in very funny ways!

ps...... I didn't buy the book. I thought the title did the trick!

Love is always a gift

I've been trying
to be more aware of my attention to the girls....or lack thereof. Over the years there have been more then a handful of repeated questions because I was inattentive, or snappy 'WHAT?!' comments I made when I was being interrupted. I was working on an order for a client last week. I had told the girls that once my office doors were closed I really needed them to leave me alone for a while. They all agreed and I set about getting my work done to meet a deadline. It seemed I'd hardly been at it for 10 minutes when Cassie popped her head in the door saying "Mommy......?" I was irritated. I turned to her and snapped "I told you to stay out. Now go. Please!" She smiled so sweetly and said "I just wanted to tell you that I love you and you're the best Mommy ever." I nearly blubbered out load with guilt. She was trying to give me a gift of love and I was trying to shove her out the door. I called her into my office and pulled her onto my lap. I hugged her and kissed her and for five minutes let her tell me stories of ladybugs and neighborhood puppy dogs and then sent her on her way. There weren't any interruptions after that. I ended up meeting my deadline......and I learned a lot about the gift of love in the process.

Defined by Love

"We are not defined by whom we love but by the depth and intensity with which we love them." She's 10 years old and just the sweetest most loving soul...
and she completely adores me. I've been waiting for the emotional seperation that starts between 7 and 9 years of age and it hasn't come yet. Not that 7 year olds don't love to be with their parents, but you start to notice how they will choose their friends over their parents for play time and such. Angelina would still rather paint her toenails next to mine then play barbies with the next door neighbor. She's my partner. She's MY girl. Her heart balances on the edge of anticipation each time she asks me to volunteer some time in her classroom. She proudly shows me off to her classmates as if I were some shiny, glowing prize. And then a lightbulb clicks on.....As if I were a prize. That is so profound to me. I have spent a lot of time trying to define myself by what I do or how much I give to others and the community. But on a Monday morning at 6:45 when she staggers into my room for a kiss and a snuggle before she even thinks of getting breakfast, all I can think of is that I truly am defined by love. It's an emotional realization when you have it, that your children step into the world each day, judging life, measuring it up, all with your love as the guide with which all things are compared. Their security, their bravery, self-esteem....it's all woven with the integrity of your love. As I walked into my daughter's classroom and was greeted by the teacher and other students, I looked at Angelina and saw that I was her rock. And I knew that she was my safe place to land when things weren't going right. She wouldn't judge me or make fun of my mistakes. She loves me like the earth loves the sun. It's a tremendous gift to be loved like that. And I am happy to let her love define me.